Part 2- Strongholds

This is continued from yesterdays post. I had gone through a divorce and was living back home with my parents. Long story shorter, I got a job and got back into church. My Cousin was pastoring at my mom's church ( they had trouble of their own- the church that is) and received some good teaching. Moved out into a little apartment and after around a year or two moved in with my sister and her family to attend community collage in the Springs. They moved to Kansas, and I moved back home and got matched-made to my now hubby. Courted around 3 months and visited back and forth across Kansas and Married in July,2001. The years were hard I now had 3 young kids- 5, 7, and 10. Didn't have to work and soon became depressed. It became so bad over the next few years that there were many talks and starting overs and finally 2 years ago I was sent to Colorado and told that if I was serious about changing (yes, it was me for the most part) I would show it by seeking out counseling. My hubby received some godly advice from a dear friend that how could he work on our marriage if I wasn't here. So I came home, and meanwhile I had decided that I wouldn't get a divorce, God doesn't answer prayers by breaking up a marriage and I would do whatever I needed to to fight for my marriage and kids (they called me mom after like 5 days-on their own) even if I had to tell someone my deep dark feelings and even cry in front of someone. This is an interesting thought I have- I don't believe that a person can get saved with out the Holy Spirit, and I also don't believe that a person can just turn back to God with out the Holy Spirit. I had cried for years ...bitter tears and had self loathing and "dark thoughts" aka suicidal thoughts for a long time... crying out to God "help me, help me change! I don't want to be this way, unloving bitter, full of anger for no reason" and God didn't seem to be there, didn't seem to answer me. But He was there, and He did answer me- in His time. God knows when we are ready to come to him, some people it's a long hard trip down, while for others it just takes a little bad in life. I was at rock bottom and God caught me right before I hit. We went to a Pastor /counselor by the name of Jim White- some of you may know him. He was a God send, and knew what to do and say. It was a donation as you can pay thing so that also helped. The first visit almost didn't happen- a double booking- but the young couple gave us the time. Satan tried all along to keep us from going, but we always made the appointments. One of the first things Bro. White did was ask me about my first marriage. He said that when a woman is abandoned (I was) it causes the some bad problems that are also common in abuse and other bad things. He prayed me through a prayer asking God to remove the "soul-tie" that I had with my first husband. Because we were married we had a bond a tie that held us together and ever with the divorce, we were still bound. God removed it and I felt it go. It lifted a weight off of me. That was the first thing we dealt with. Tomorrow I will talk about the Strongholds and what they are and how they get in a Christians life and maybe have room to tell about how to remove them. In case you think in the back of your mind that this is all emotional whatever and that God doesn't deal this way, let me say that your right. God deals above our emotions, but we are emotional creatures, and a lot of what we do is pure emotion. Read Jeremiah 33:3, and tomorrow you will see what God will do when you ask Him too.

Jeremiah 33:3
Call to me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.
NKJV

Part 1-Strongholds

This is the day for heavy blog posts I guess. My friend and sister at Loop De Loops and my other friend and cousin at Spinster have posted very thought provoking blogs. Moms the word has asked me to tell you all a technique I learned in counseling on how to break down strongholds. I guess I will do that, but it will have to be in parts otherwise it would be a really, really long post.
First, a little something about myself would be appropriate. I am married to a man who has 3 children from a former marriage. I also had a former marriage, but no children. I married a young man who was in Bible school at the time to be a youth pastor, he was also a child of a missionary. I think that I just went with the flow of the dating thing figuring that I wouldn't date someone or have the opportunity to date someone unless he was "the one". We married and had plans, and his parents didn't like me and I was a little afraid of them(because they argued very loudly-a lot/ but I later learned that's how they talked all the time), and I had only met his sister once in 7 years. When we first got married, he got a job in Colo Springs as an assistant youth pastor, and because I had 2 years of early childhood ed. I was given a job as a 1st grade teacher. I was not qualified and had no idea what I was doing, it was awful! He went around a year and than had some trouble ( never clear to me at the time) and the pastor and principal decided along with my husband that he should finish his education. We moved to Missouri to attend BBC. I worked at Cox and he schooled full time. During the 1st year he had only what I can say was a major asthma attack/nervous breakdown. After that his drive was gone...he started failing his studies (he didn't need them you know ) and we ended up moving back to Colorado. With a large student loan. He than was able to get a job as youth director at a really nice church in Pueblo, Co. It was alright for a while and than he started having problems with the authority he worked under. Let me say this, he never had a job longer than a year, at first it would be the best job and than slowly something would go wrong, and it was usually the boss' fault, or the boss didn't like him(never his fault) I didn't see the pattern for a long while. We changed church and helped the YP at that church by teaching the Collage class. We moved to the Springs, again, and he worked at a gas station, and I transfered to the Sears up there. Again... I always had to have a full time job because he was in the ministry and couldn't work more than part time- if that. Feeling a little resentment? I was getting fat. 120 to 180 in 6 years. I was becoming his mother ( who I didn't like), he would say "your just like my mom" Yuk! We lost a cat to cancer and than in just a few days we had the "talk" . He loved me still, but he was disgusted by me (fat), couldn't stand to touch me and he just knew that he was going to have an affair, just knew it was gonna happen.(Forgiveness before fact?) He wanted to separate to go live with a work buddy for a while. I said he would still have to help pay bills and he didn't know why. I asked him what he thought was going to happen to us, and he said we would separate for a while and after about a month of so we would get a divorce. So me being who I am said that if that was what he wanted to do, just do it and quit waisting out time if it wasn't going to get fixed. He didn't want counseling. There is a lot more details that I haven't put in here, he battled depression and wouldn't get help, he didn't care. He had to have an account of all of my money and pay checks, yet I never knew what he spent his on. He openly flirted with co-workers while I waited in the car to drive him home (glass window), and than didn't know why I was mad at him. My mom and I read a list from Ann Landers about the signs of an abusive husband and he had all of them except the hitting. Did he commit adultery? I don't know. Did I? No. Was there a Biblical reason to kill the union? Probably not. Was I relieved? Yes. Did I come before God with repentance and confession? Yes. Did God forgive me this horrible sin? Why yes. Do I take this lightly? Never. Do I support divorce? No. If you think that I never gave it another thought as far as the "Church" and divorce you are wrong. I thought on it a lot, I studied it, I prayed on it. This is my conclusion on divorce...Can God not forgive a murderer? A prostitute? A drug addict? Why, then would some Christians say and tell you to your face that God can not forgive divorce? I am forgiven by the only One that matters to me. The Bible says God despises a liar, yet how many people tell lies on a daily basis? Preachers never tell lies. Right? You don't need to leave a comment unless you want to, because I will continue this on my next blog. I am going somewhere with all of this personal info. otherwise I wouldn't be sharing at all. Some final thoughts...I was left with feelings of disapointment, resentment, anger, abandon, and they were all toward God mainly, because He didn't fix things, He wouldn't fix him when I prayed and begged and demanded and pleaded for God to help me and us. where was He? Im in my childhood bedroom wondering these things, and I wondered for a long time.

Sorry

Well, I'm very sorry, but I am unable to upload the video for you. I will try again some other time, but I've already spent about 2hrs.trying tonight. It was the chicken dance song. Really cute. So maybe I will write about disappointment instead. I've had some in my life, and I know you have also. I think everyone gets disappointed one way or another in their lives. I have been disappointed because I have had expectations and hopes that have rested on people and things. In fact, I am almost always disappointed when I put my expectations in anything of this world. People let you down, objects let you down, work lets you down. Everything and everyone has the potential to let you down...that is with one exception. God. And I am so very, very thankful for that. Have a good day or night and remember to put your hope in the Lord and not man.

PSALM 62:5
My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from Him.

Interesting note: Expectation in this verse is the same thing as an umbilical cord is to a baby.
(I was told this by a Pastor counselor) What a neat thought, huh.

Fun, fun, fun!!!

This is a fun video of the choir my youngest was a part of a few months ago. You can't see her because she is behind the piano player. I have another one where they were able to sing "Amazing Grace" , and someday I will put it on, but this one is fun. Enjoy, and if you have little ones...see what you have to look forward too, and if you have older ones...bring back the memories. xoxox

It was an Honour Choir... so special that way also.

Dam water

Water, water everywhere! This is a picture my oldest daughter took on Easter when we were down in Branson. The gates are open still, and will be for a while. Forecast? More rain, and storms.

Cousins

If you know my family or are a part of my family, well this is nothing new (or it might be), whatever.
Just about everyone is a cousin. We have real cousins - the ones that are the children of our Aunts and Uncles, and we have other cousins, children of our cousins, or people who aren't Aunts or Uncles, I think, but it just seems like everywhere I turn I bump into a cousin. When I was a teenager I had (have) a cousin that would call from out of state and ask me "is this little Julie? Do you know who this is?" okay, for one thing...this cousin is someone that I maybe saw every 5 years if that, and no I didn't know who it was. I will give a hint-T.R. Another cousin also used to do this- another male cousin- but now he says who he is first-K.H. I am the baby of the cousins, and the eldest of the other cousins. I have about 8 cousins on my dad's side of my family and I am the baby. I have 8 cousins on my mom's side -and I am the baby. I have cousins that could be my parent in age ...all the way down to just a few years older than I am. My cousins have kids and they are my cousins...I will try to count them. Just a sec. Okay, I lost count on my dads side at 15. And I think 15 on my mom's side. My husband has 1 sister who has no children and his parents. Maybe a half -Aunt/Uncle on his mom's side and that's it. My family has a reunion in August, I don't think I will be able to go out, but if you do and people ask you who you are...you know what to do...say your a cousin! lol!


Oh,yeah! All of the husbands/wives of my cousins are called cousin.

Changes

We all change as we grow older. That is a duh statement, but did you ever notice that the more a person changes...the more some things stay the same? I have the song "Changes" by David Bowie on my music box on the right side of my blog for a reason (or two). First, change happens to everyone in one way or another, and we just have to deal with it. And second, I like David Bowie. I know, I know! But I think he has a freaky cool voice, AND his eyes are two different colors. I wrote this little poem in 1999 when I must have been feeling a little deep or a little...I don't know, smart alec perhaps? I like it and I hope you do too. Think about change sometime this week. Are you the same person, but in an aging body? Do you feel the same as when you were younger? Just something to think on, and why do you think you are the same or different ?

THE SAME

I am the same as I've always been, and yet the changes came.

I feel the same as when I was ten, but perhaps a bit more insane.

As I've grown older I've found that I am different and unique.

I am myself...my own alone...none else can claim my feats.

If for the best or for the worst I have to take the blame.

I am the same as I've always been, and yet the changes came.